The Musings of a Blossoming Alchemist

Castaway from a faraway plane

I seek to return, but all in vain

To this reality I am chained

Memory of home is so faint

But it’s there and I am pained

Innately unstable,
He sees life as fable.
Sanity’s off the table.
Mind needs jumper cables.

Hate this world and everyone in it.

It’s a rigged game. Just can’t win it.

Somethings wrong, but can’t pin it.

Convert sorrows into writing
Take the pain out of hiding
For my truth I am fighting
In the paper I’m confiding

Being the death of the one they knew
I’ll live my life in authentic truth
Sever these chains in two
I’m ready to be born anew
Butterfly I’ll transform into

My heart aches, my heart burns,
Pain I can’t take, my belly turns.
What’s at stake? For truth I yearn.
I’ll concentrate, and try to learn.

Let me die and stop living this lie
Can’t do it no matter how hard I try
It’s an act that they everyday buy
Everyone… everyone but I.

I have the gift of aviation,
Mental liberation,
Higher concentration,
The mental radio station.

To mental frequencies,
That eyes can’t see.

Why was I born so unique so strange?
Just being myself they think I’m deranged.
I’m sorry everyone, I just can’t change,
I was born to break free from the cage.

I’ve got a brain,
You can’t contain.
Nor can chain,
Dog you can’t train.

Always felt like something is missing.

For something out of reach been wishing.

Who am I? Who am I really?

Find it so hard to navigate these feelings —

Always felt like something is off,

A constant sense of suffering.

Always lost in a fog,

Life feels like it’s buffering.

I can’t take it anymore,

I’m crawling in my skin.

Of the cause I’m unsure,

It’s making my head spin.

I’m alive, but not living —

I survive, but no meaning —

Constant ache, constant turmoil;

I feel fake, milk that’s spoiled —

Could it be? Am I female?

About to leave the belly of the whale?

A nauseating feeling that something is wrong,

I’ve grown so used to it, it’s been so long,

I need to know what is the cause.

Show me the wound, hand me the gauze.

I’m starting to believe I am a transformer.

The male me is dying… call over the coroner.

Oh darling, it’s not fantasy —

Beyond this land I see —

And from the land I’m free —

So come join hands with me —

Choose to understand or flee —

Oh, how I wish to transcend!

With muggles, can no longer blend —

No matter how many owls they send,

Their attitude just will not bend.

I wish to be free, I wish to soar!

Normalcy is such a fucking bore —

I’m meant for something else I’m sure.

I cannot wait one minute more!

This life’s become such a chore…

Meant for more… let me fly away!

Don’t let me wait another day.

Just liberate me, divine I pray.

I’m different, within is a spark,

Difference between us is so stark,

On this quest I must fully embark,

& even if it ain’t a walk in the park,

Lead me out of the dark.

1. Prayer that does not come from the heart is not prayer at all.
2. The degree to which you will receive a response to your prayer, is the degree of feeling you put into the prayer.
3. Within every human is a geode. We must chip away at what veils the center in order to discover the gem in the middle.
4. Within every human is a center. Every time it is accessed, immediate response to our prayers are revealed — or, synchronicity happens.
5. The essence of that center is the essence of truth itself. The layers that cover the center are the layers of falsehood. Suffering itself can be defined as losing touch with that center.
6. Situations in life that push us to our breaking point are God’s greatest blessing. It is the pick that breaks open our inner geode.
7. That center has the final say in all things. It is always guiding the path. To align yourself fully with that center is to shed all delusion and align yourself with the will of the divine.
8. Misfortune can be defined as when that force sternly wishes for us to return to it. These are the times in life when we try to do something that, deep within, we know does not work. We push, push, push, but the rubber band snaps — with that center winning and launching us in its direction.
9. This is the archetypal Tower moment when the walls of deceit and lies come crashing down, and we return into accordance with that center. What feels incredibly uncomfortable, and even like a punishment, is actually that force giving us mercy. Often times it is not until long after that rubber band has snapped that we can see why and have gratitude for that moment. What if, in recognizing this fact, we can always be grateful for what is in front of us, trusting the benevolence of that force that has the final say in all things?
10. The inability to do that is intrinsically part of the human conditioning. The suffering of the human condition is about the discord and disharmony between all of these different parts of ourselves. Much like a foolish child rebelling against the parent, we dig our heels into the ground fighting tooth and nail wherever this force wills us to be. Only until far too long into the process do we finally get to see how shit out of luck, hopelessly fucked, we would be without that force. Then we also see that suffering itself is about our refusal to listen to that force, and honor that center. The farther one gets from the center, the more they suffer.
11. The promise of being liberated from our suffering is about the promise of reuniting with that center.
12. Life’s only true authority is this center. All other forms of authority are false and lead to delusion, ignorance, and suffering. To let our allegiance to all false authorities die, and embrace this one, is the magnum opus.

In the waters of Oneness I wade.

My sense of self begins to fade.

In the grave, my ego is laid —

From lead to gold, I am made.

And for the world, I wouldn’t trade.

Everything feels empty and hollow…

In my suffering, can’t help but wallow…

Into the darkness, you can follow,

But be warned… it may swallow.

Man kind.
Damn blind.

The light, it shines too bright.

How much longer can I hold this kite?

If I hold on, I may take flight,

No one here understands my plight.

I’ve seen too much, I need to ground,

To go crazy, I’m feeling bound.

I’m torn between two worlds.

I’ve seen the scroll of life unfurled.

Into the ocean of all, I’ve been hurled,

Back into the womb I wanna be curled…

Wrestling with my shadow.

Good O and bad O

Joy O and sad O

Peace O and mad O

This energy feels so extreme

All I want to do is kick and scream

I’m tearing here at the seam

Carry me away in a light beam

Oh wait… you already have.

Launched from my earthly half,

This rip needs a divine salve.

Its more of an Achilles calve…

I love the moon,

I love the sun.

Love the triune,

Two becoming one.

…

This morning, I heard from a pretty fairy,

Who gave unto me, a moment of clarity.

And she said, though it may sound scary,

That this life, is only temporary.

So go out there, be daring.

Go show some skin. Be caring.

It’s happened my egg has cracked

And my face the truth has smacked

Turns out it was all an act

I’m a woman that’s a fact 

With anxiety I’m racked

By fam’ly I won’t be backed

But my soul is number one.

Even if I’m not their son,

From truth I’ll no longer run.

It probably won’t be fun:

And at first they will be stunned,

And then away I’ll be shunned.

But I cannot let my womb,

Lay cold and dead in her tomb:

For the truth I will make room;

And it cannot come too soon.

Holding it in makes me sick..

Out of the egg crawls a chick.

I took pride in denying what I feel

Lock ’em in a chest with a real tight seal

But I forgot what is and isn’t real

Wanna open it, but afraid can’t deal

But there isn’t another way to heal.

The goddess has come knocking at my door

And I’ve gotten a taste of what’s in store

This much is for sure:

I will not be bored.

I’ll not just be floored;

I’m taking a trip down to the earth’s core.

And then, a bit more:

To reclaim the ore,

To read my true lore,

To repair what tore.

To make the two one, an inclusive or —

My life can no longer be just a chore.

With my fear I’m going to go to war.

And I will spend much time by the sea shore,

The one thing that I truly most adore,

It’s a game of evolution like Spore —

My friends, I implore,

If I go crazy like a wild boar,

And if I let out a big, wild roar,

Please don’t shut the door…

Just know what it’s for:

Truth I can no longer bear to ignore.

And if you love me as I am,

You might break down this dam,

That tells me I’m never enough,

And that I have to be tough,

That keeps the feelings stuffed,

A deadweight to which I’m cuffed —

I fear you may awaken the beast —

He’s the lock & you’re the key —

But should he be let free?

Is that something you want to see?

The real me?

The one who bleeds?

Unwanted, unloved —

To the shadows he’s been shoved —

With the feeling of being unwanted,

Since my youth I’ve been haunted —

In my face their love was flaunted —

With the possibility I’ve been taunted,

But it’s always been a bait and switch —

In the end, they always ditch —

A torn heart left alone to stitch —

All this gold yet without love not rich —

So painful every time I breathe I flinch —

Left poor without a penny to pinch —

Unworthy of love, not even my own —

But you know what, I like being alone —

Unlike the rest, I’m not a drone —

The empty corridors of my heart I roam —

I seek the nearest tourniquet —

Stifle feelings any chance I get —

I’ll go crazy by the time I’m 40 I bet —

My greatest fear, it knocks at the door —

I shove it away, but secretly I want more —

This battle between me and what They expect —

Between me and the waters a dam I erect —

Every so often, behind it I’ve checked —

And the day approaches when I’ll get wrecked —

When it comes I’ll have nothing to protect –

No more truths with my logic to deflect —

I’ll be free of the chains of the intellect —

Anything and everything it wants to dissect —

I’ll let myself be carried by the flow —

I won’t even have an oar to row —

And I might drown, but this I know:

It’ll only be my heart I chose —

But for now, the pressure must build —

And even though it might get me killed,

Of my own feelings with fear I’m filled —

I fear too much I’ve already spilled —

I choose to let my feelings free,

I choose to let myself be free,

To myself my arms open wide,

All the times I should have cried,

No more holding back the tide.

My own end is so very nigh,

The knot will untie,

I’ll finally be able to cry.

I’ll finally be able to cry.

I’ll finally be able to cry…

I’ll finally be able to die,

I’ll finally be able to fly,

No more living a lie…

Time to live in harmony, me myself and I,

This old chest open I’ll pry,

Deep in my chest lies my prize.

I hear it thumping longing to leave.

She will finally be worn on my sleeve.

My heart will finally leap from my chest,

This bird will finally flee from the nest.

The student will finally pass his test,

With true freedom, I am obsessed.

Inside my chest lies the treasure,

Of which no mortal can measure.

And yes, while it is gold,

To no man can it be sold —

Believe now what you’re being told —

My true destiny begins to unfold —

Highlight these words in bold —

The Self is leaving the mold.

Mother Goddess tells me to just wait,

Don’t worry honey, you’ll find your mate,

But honestly, it’s getting late.

I can’t continue to masturbate!

But my heart still craves expression —

On this world they want to leave an impression —

He wants to teach them a lesson —

She wants to leave her depression —

I’ve learned the only vice to lessen the pain,

Is if I let my heart take the reign —

I know my only enemy’s my brain,

Some things you just can’t explain.

Feel what you cannot understand,

A life lived in logic is way too bland,

Mental imprisonment I cannot stand,

I give myself to the invisible hand…

Has all of this been planned?