Yes, the motion of the ocean of your emotion brings forth in me endless devotion. It coats me, soaks me like lotion; it pulls me, lulls me like a potion.
He crushes Satan with the wrath of his mercy;
he drowns in the ocean of forgiveness.
Thy mercy pours down like rain;
and yet I hold an umbrella?
I am a fool;
I have a disease;
you hold the cure;
I forbid myself from receiving.
An injured lion lashes out at those who approach;
even at the healers.
I am angry at myself for not receiving the cure;
and thus, I punish myself, by denying the cure.
I am disgusted by my sickness;
to punish myself, I refuse the medicine.
The sickness is in the disgust of the sickness;
thereby do you deny His mercy.
Thereby do you refuse the cure.
The sickness is the refusal of the cure itself.
Why do I refuse?
But what am I to do with mercy in this world?
I placed it in their hands a nugget of gold;
it fell through their fingers nothing but ashes.
What am I supposed to do with your gift?
They have made me hate it; they have made me fear it.
They have taught me that it is not enough.
It is time for an appraisal —
damn the opinions of the many —
I seek yours.
God, what is your opinion on me?
What a fool I am —
how could I have not seen the obvious?
Your opinion of me is the gift itself —
to agree with your opinion is to accept the gift.
How foolish I was to disagree with God!
Do you think yourself wiser than God?
Then why do you disagree with him?
If it is your trauma —
then do you think your abusers wiser than God?
Then why do you believe them over him?
You can look at yourself through the lenses of falsehood and illusions —
you can trust the opinion of yourself, or of them, over God —
but how fucking stupid does that sound?
God tells you, you are worthy of my forgiveness;
you tell him, no I’m not —
did you just disagree with the fountain of all knowledge? What the fuck?
I’ve been using scratchers all my life —
I finally win the lottery —
I look at the prize —
and I say… “Nahhh.”
I have hit the jackpot of all jackpots —
Why can’t I just fucking accept it?!