Yes, the motion of the ocean of your emotion brings forth in me endless devotion. It coats me, soaks me like lotion; it pulls me, lulls me like a potion.

He crushes Satan with the wrath of his mercy;

he drowns in the ocean of forgiveness.

Thy mercy pours down like rain;

and yet I hold an umbrella?

I am a fool;

I have a disease;

you hold the cure;

I forbid myself from receiving.

An injured lion lashes out at those who approach;

even at the healers.

I am angry at myself for not receiving the cure;

and thus, I punish myself, by denying the cure.

I am disgusted by my sickness;

to punish myself, I refuse the medicine.

The sickness is in the disgust of the sickness;

thereby do you deny His mercy. 

Thereby do you refuse the cure.

The sickness is the refusal of the cure itself.

Why do I refuse?

But what am I to do with mercy in this world?

I placed it in their hands a nugget of gold;

it fell through their fingers nothing but ashes.

What am I supposed to do with your gift?

They have made me hate it; they have made me fear it.

They have taught me that it is not enough.

It is time for an appraisal —

damn the opinions of the many —

I seek yours.

God, what is your opinion on me?

…

What a fool I am —

how could I have not seen the obvious?

Your opinion of me is the gift itself —

to agree with your opinion is to accept the gift.

How foolish I was to disagree with God!

Do you think yourself wiser than God?

Then why do you disagree with him?

If it is your trauma —

then do you think your abusers wiser than God?

No?

Then why do you believe them over him?

You can look at yourself through the lenses of falsehood and illusions —

you can trust the opinion of yourself, or of them, over God —

but how fucking stupid does that sound?

God tells you, you are worthy of my forgiveness;

you tell him, no I’m not —

did you just disagree with the fountain of all knowledge? What the fuck?

I’ve been using scratchers all my life —

I finally win the lottery —

I look at the prize —

and I say… “Nahhh.”

…

I have hit the jackpot of all jackpots —

Why can’t I just fucking accept it?!