The Musings of a Blossoming Alchemist

And if you love me as I am,

You just might break down this dam,

That tells me I’m never enough,

That I have to be tough,

That keeps the feelings stuffed,

A deadweight to which I’m cuffed —

I fear you may awaken the beast —

He’s the lock & you’re the key —

But should he really be let free?

Is that something you want to see?

The real me?

The one who bleeds?

Unwanted, unloved —

To the shadows he’s been shoved —

With the feeling of being unwanted,

Since my youth I’ve been haunted —

In my face their love was flaunted —

With chances I’ve been taunted,

But it’s always been a bait and switch —

In the end, they always ditch —

A torn heart left alone to stitch —

All this gold yet without love not rich —

In pain, everytime I breathe I flinch —

Left poor, not a penny to pinch —

Unworthy of love, not even my own —

But you know what, I like being alone —

Unlike the rest, I’m not a drone —

Empty halls of my heart I roam —

I seek the nearest tourniquet —

Stifle feelings each chance I get —

I’ll go crazy by the time I’m 40 I bet —

My greatest fear knocks at the door —

I shove it away, yet want more —

This battle between me and what they all expect —

Between me and the waters a dam I erect —

Every so often, behind it I’ve checked —

And the day comes when I’ll get wrecked —

When it’s here I’ll have nothing to protect –

No more truths with my logic to deflect —

I’ll be free of the intellect —

Anything and everything it wants to dissect —

I’ll let myself be carried by the flow —

Won’t even have an oar to row —

I might drown, but this I know:

It’ll be my heart that I chose —

But for now, the pressure must build —

Even though it might get me killed,

Of my own feelings with fear I am filled —

I fear too much I’ve already spilled.

…

…

…

I choose to let my feelings free,

I choose to let myself be free,

To myself my arms open wide,

All the times I should have cried,

No more holding back the tide.

My own end is so very nigh,

The knot will untie,

I’ll finally be able to cry.

I’ll finally be able to cry.

I’ll finally be able to cry…

I’ll finally be able to die,

I’ll finally be able to fly,

No more living a lie…

Time to live in harmony, me myself and I,

This old chest open I’ll pry,

Deep in my chest lies my prize.

I hear it thumping longing to leave.

She will finally be worn on my sleeve.

My heart will finally leap from my chest,

This bird will finally flee from the nest.

The student will finally pass his test,

With true freedom, I am obsessed.

Inside my chest lies the treasure,

Of which no mortal can measure.

And yes, while it is gold,

To no man can it be sold —

Believe now what you’re being told —

My true destiny begins to unfold —

Highlight these words in bold —

The Self is leaving the mold.

Mother Goddess tells me to just wait,

Don’t worry honey, you’ll find your mate,

But honestly, it’s getting late.

I can’t continue to masturbate!

But my heart still craves expression —

On this world they want to leave an impression —

He wants to teach them a lesson —

She wants to leave her depression —

I’ve learned the only vice to lessen the pain,

Is if I let my heart take the reign —

I know my only enemy’s my brain,

Some things you just can’t explain.

Feel what you cannot understand,

A life lived in logic is way too bland,

Mental imprisonment I cannot stand,

I give myself to the invisible hand…

Has all of this been planned?