The Musings of a Blossoming Alchemist

An ever-present aching in my soul…

What is the missing link? Why can’t I be consoled?

There is not a single thing here, that can fill this hole.

…can it? Is she out there?

Is there even such a thing, as a “one true pair?”

She calls out to me, and I call out to her.

I know my prayers will be answered, that is for sure.

My soul, it longs for something true.

I cannot ignore it by just “finding something else to do.”

Indeed, that is the reason why I am feeling so blue.

…would I even recognize it if I found it? Am I ready?

I do not know, and I do not care — I want it already.

I want it more and more, by each passing day —

But if it came, would it even stay?

See, this aching in my soul is so not simple.

Or perhaps it would all evaporate, only at the sight of her dimples.

See, I fear this ache cannot be resolved,

though perhaps a single glance is all it will take for it to be absolved.

I choose love — that I do swear.

I choose to keep my heart open, and that I do dare.

I choose all of this, in spite of my growing despair,

as I push on, and accumulate my wear and tear.

Will I find her? Is life even fair?

Such a thought does indeed give me a scare,

but I choose to push on — I simply cannot not care.

Are we already there?

Have I already found my maiden?

Or what if I missed her, on some night I stayed in?

I suppose in that case, I’ll have to keep her waitin’,

such a period of time that I truly do be hatin’….

Who knows, maybe I am gay! Was it Peyton?

Or is she my twin flame? Is it Jaidyn?

The name, it keeps on changin’,

But the chaotic desires of my heart, are forever remainin’.

To truly articulate the desires of my heart seems hopeless.

I do not know if anyone could ever come to know this.

My heart has forever been broken open.

With no hope of ever closin’.

A constant ache for my other half. 

A yearning so intense, all I can do is laugh.

In my ocean of desires, I am just a mere raft,

Trying to oar through these currents with a mere staff.

Resistance is futile,

and at the end of the day, all I can do is smile.

But who knows, maybe it will be worth my while.

When it comes to the aching of my soul, I will forever be a child.

I refuse to silence it, and I refuse to grow up.

My heart has the reigns, with no plans to slow up,

and all I can do is wake up each day, and show up.

I only hope that everything within doesn’t decide to spontaneously blow up.

It genuinely might — I can’t promise it won’t.

I do not know, perhaps I’m living off of time that was loaned.

Maybe I’m doomed, and perhaps I’ve always been.

There’s a good chance I was destined to end up in the loony bin.

But pardon me, I did not know that following my heart was a sin.

To me, that is the only way that I can win:

by marching to the beat of the drum that exists within.

I don’t know what else I can say — my existence is torture,

but only because the thing I refuse is forfeiture. 

I’m well off the trail, my friends. I am lost.

But honestly, isn’t that the starting point of living life as your own boss?

I will set myself free, and that is for a fact,

and even if the odds against me are stacked,

with myself I have made a pact,

that my life will be complete even if I leave the walls of our prison only cracked.

The trident represents fantasy.

Trident is the Neptune symbol.

Neptune = fantasy, escapism, addiction. Escaping the hard truths of reality through some sort of sensory experience.

However, it does not have to be simply escaping just the hard truths of reality. It can also be escaping reality in general, or transcending it.

The trident is not being used for that higher purpose in most cases, however. We do not transcend through sustainable means, we do not transcend through means that advance our consciousness as an individual and as a collective.

Instead of transcending via productive means, such as meditation and prayer (this is not limited to meditation and prayer, there are many other healthy means of transcendence), we use hypnotic electronic devices. You know the deal. You’ve heard the tune. Everyone agrees that, on a daily basis, we hypnotize ourselves with social media, television, etc.

But why the fuck isn’t anyone doing anything about it?

We are all on autopilot. It is fucking scary. No one has any light in their eyes anymore.

No one is in touch with their heart anymore.

The heart is a vessel for higher consciousness. And that is why we live in a “low vibration” society.

There are too little things that engage our heart.

Anyway, I am getting ahead of myself. The reason why I am writing this is to mark my intention to break free from the trident.

An old friend of mine reached out a few days ago after about a year of silence.She’s not just a gifted channeler, that doesn’t quite explain it. The channel is absolutely wide open. It’s not a gift, it simply just is. She is a wide-open channel.

Anyway, she channeled a Viking man with a braided beard. The image she received matches images of Odin. Long story made short, she channeled Odin for me.

We were blessed to receive many messages of wisdom that were pertinent to my path.

As the session was ending, however, he left us with an urgent warning:

“Break free from the trident!”

Immediately riddled with the mystery of that statement, I knew it would take at least a week to process and digest this statement, in order to come up with several possible meanings until I reached the highest possible truth therein.

So, I analyzed it for several days.

At first, my brain twisted and turned to come to the conclusion that it represented the separation of masculine and feminine.

The Caduceus, the healing staff of Thrice-Greatest Hermes, would be the unified version of the trident. The left and right fork of the trident unite and twist around the center rod in a dance resulting in union at the top of the staff. Therefore, the trident would represent the opposing state — the masculine and feminine un-unified.

The next idea I came up with, was that it represents the dangers of group-think. The mob mentality, and being afraid to speak up against the general consensus of the collective. In most cartoons, when there is an angry mob, what are they carrying? Pitchforks, or in other words, the trident. So, in this case, the trident could represent being too afraid to go against the status quo with the truths of spirituality we have discovered. For example: being afraid of getting labeled crazy.

And while these two previous meanings absolutely are RELEVANT and deeply important, and by no means should be disregarded in any form, I believe that the greatest of meanings lies in the one with which I started this post.

It is Neptune’s Trident. Neptune, the planet related to transcendence, but also escapism.

We must break free from the trident. We must break free from modern escapism. We must, no ifs ands or buts about it. It is do or die.

We turn to the trident when we are in pain.

We turn to the trident when we are anxious.

We turn to the trident when we are sad — when we are angry — when we are depressed.

We turn to the trident when we are bored.

What if, instead of turning away from our pains, and towards the trident, we stayed facing our pains?

What if we could do something with them?

An alchemist knows that fire is imperative to turn lead into gold. If we are to truly become awakened, if we are to truly wake from our sleep, do we not need the fire and energy to do so?

If that is, then why do we douse these fires with the waters of Neptune?

If it is freedom we truly seek, then it is fire we must truly cultivate. We must cultivate the Sacred Fire if we are to ever wake from our slumber.

Break free from the trident, folks. Otherwise, you’re wasting your time.

Are we sure that the Nazis didn’t win?

I simply cannot tell when I stop and look within.

It looks to me that I am still in the chains of the toxic masculine.

I thought I already proved to myself, that love will always win —

Then why do I still have the fear, that being gay is a sin?

How do I still fear disappointing my kin?

I want to take this fear toss it in the bin,

I can’t stand another moment with it, I am crawling out of my skin. 

What if I love a him? What if I’m not a him?

What if I don’t have a reason to go the gym?

The truth is, I’m not so manly, and this I know.

I’m sorry, family, but it’s time for me to go.

They’ll think I’m crazy, but the Lord himself will know,

that at the end of the day, it was only my heart that I chose.

So I am done — I’m done holding this pose.

It’s making me sick, trying to control where this river flows.

Inner demons, I am done letting it slide!

Now, you’ve got nowhere else to hide.

It’s time to exorcise the demons, hiding deep inside:

Bigotry, it’s time for us to become untied.

And fear, I can see where you’ve lied.

It is now time to bring to life, all that has died,

and it is time for the murderers, to be tried!

All of the times I should have cried,

and all of the times I held back the tide,

are coming back, in full force,

and I can promise you, this is not a Trojan Horse.

What’s inside, will run it’s course,

and my voice will run free, until it becomes hoarse.

It’s going to rain. No — its going to pour.

There’s no holding shut this motherfucking door!

If you want an idea of what’s in store,

just know, I’ve been holding this in since I was motherfucking four.

Yes, it’s finally time — my expression will be free,

and there will be no more bending, to the spirit of the Nazis!

The Cosmos are being poured into a glass,

and I take drink after drink after drink till I crash.

The Guides warn me not to go too fast,

but this is an opportunity I just can’t pass,

as each moment brings new peaks ever higher than the last.

Sometimes, I hold my bearings too tightly.

I remind myself to let go, enjoy it, sight-see,

but I grow wary, we’ve been going at this nightly.

The ride seems to get more intense, as if only to spite me,

and my grip loosens each day, ever so slightly.

Existence is a rollercoaster, on that, you can’t fight me —

The life of peaks and valleys? It simply likes me.

Stability? No, I don’t know her.

But I must admit, the thought of her gives me a boner,

but as of right now, I choose to be a loner.

My heart is a Six Flags, can’t you see?

There is no one on this ride, but me,

and there is no room here for stability.

But, I do have one offer to extend to thee:

won’t you join the ride with me?

Inside of me, there exists a prize.

It is the only thing, that is free from all of the lies.

It is the reason that I am wise,

and it is the reason why I will continue to rise.

This is my philosophers stone;

this is my turning lead to gold.

From deep within my bones,

I know, this is the truth of old.

I am destined for greatness —

one day, people will be honored by my lateness.

Just kidding Kanye, the external is illusory,

the only thing that I choose to illume, is within me.

I choose me, I choose me all the fucking way,

for myself, I choose to go so fucking gay!

What is this lust inside of me, that burns night and day?

It is the force within, which I use to create,

it is the force within, which drives me up to the plate.

What is going to happen? What is my true fate?

What will I do, with this clean slate?

Though it is true that it’s never too late,

it is this lust that I choose now to sublimate.

The time is now — do not wait,

your inertia, is the only thing that I hate!

This, my friend, I cannot overstate,

that you will waste your whole life away, at this rate.

So get up and rise — today is the date.

Crush in your hand, all that makes you stagnate.

Barrel into them like a freight,

just do it for me, do it for your mate!

Do not fall to distraction! Do not take the bait!

Stay vigilant! There are many things that you must anticipate!

Set free the light in your eyes, my friend. It is time to illuminate.

Create the life of your dreams. Do it, ejaculate!

Fertilize the egg of creation, and let the child gestate!

Gotta wonder if I’m human or dancer,

We don’t know, gotta run up to the chancellor,

Come up to him like, can I take your hand sir?

Look him in the eye and tell him, give me the answer, 

 This aching is growing inside of me like some muthafuckin cancer.

Why do you try to control me? Don’t act like you’re the law!

Don’t try to herd me like some cattle or sheep, sorry but that’s a hell naw!

Makes me wanna clock you in the fuckin jaw!

Sorry but my beats are just too raw,

Eatin this up like it’s come Cole slaw,

Sound the alarm with a CA-CAWWW!

Beat you down then laugh in your face like, HA-HA

Say peace, sionara, I’m out of here with a lil TA-TA

This is what happens when you mess with the force!

How many times do I got to say this — I’m no Trojan horse!

I will speak my truth with quiver and rhyme until my voice gets hoarse.

Tearing apart your shoddy foundation, without a shred of remorse.

Keep letting my truth slay — when it rains, it pours.

Taking each of you on the safari of truth, call those tours!

Annihilating each and every thing in my way like it’s just my daily chores. 

These lions and tigers? I’m one of them.

Don’t come at me acting like you’re my friend —

I can see what’s hiding under your chinny chin chin. 

I been on the come up since I was just a boy, no less than 10,

I’m the rooster in the house, I seduce the motherfuckin’ hens,

There would be no way of knowing if they slipped in, any men,

Or maybe somethin’ in between, we call that Ren!

Ima keep channeling these rhymes with the force of my pen,

If I’m gonna stop? Nah, I don’t know when!

Stay up till the wee hours of the night out here in my den,

I have this lust for life that won’t stop, I’m wild like a lion!

Build up the ecstasy, I’m constantly flyin’,

Look to the spirit for the answers, we call that scryin’,

She gives me truth, you can’t catch her lyin,

Build that ecstasy until we begin cryin’!

Sometimes it feels like my brain is fryin’,

But I’m only upgrading an appliance!

Don’t you worry, I’ve got this down to a science,

Spirit pours down on me, breaking the silence,

Sometimes I run away, in an act of defiance,

But I know inside, there’s no use in tryin’!

Good luck running away from your heart, it’ll always be right there with you,

Lest you go right back to the start, and allow yourself to be born anew!

It’s blue,

it’s true,

it’s you,

up up and away you flew,

doing the things you were always born to do.

I’m not fucking crazy!

Don’t call me that! It’s you, who’s lazy!

Just go back into your slumber,

as each day, you get dumber, and dumber.

That’s all you’ll ever be: a runner!

Try and face the demons! I promise you, it’s funner!

Shame on you, living life in fear,

Allowing the demons to take the wheel and steer,

But it’s your life, go ahead and do what you think is right,

But at the end of the day, you’re just a driver with no headlights.

Are you too scared to see what lies in the dark?

I promise, everything in there has no bite, only bark —

As for me, I march forward, on a quest to leave my mark.

Can’t you see the game?! What is life, but a theme park?

So go forward, do it! Don’t be so scared —

You have to, my friend — you’ve just been triple-dog-dared!

The reward? At the end, you’ll be able to tell yourself, “at least I fucking cared.”

My friend, let us make it a beautiful life that we’ll have shared.

Let’s be bold.

There’s no meaning in a life, doing only what you’re told,

because in the end, it will only be your soul that you have sold.

There is no need to have regrets when you are old —

this life, it is all yours to mold.

Fuck them all; fuck the hypocrites that will scold,

because in the end of days, it will be them who in their graves, have rolled.

So step up — decide to be better —

Don’t back down — be the true trend-setter!

If I told you what was outside of the cave, would you believe me?

I have a nagging fear that you would instead think I’m crazy —

You’d beg me, come on Omar, take it easy —

Even though such a thing surely wouldn’t please me,

I do not care, I won’t let your chains squeeze me —

What is outside of this cave, is the only thing that will heal me —

Nothing inside of your cave can appeal me —

I do not know what lies beyond, and yet it reels me —

Unlike you, who holds on to the darkness that conceals thee —

Day after day, it continues to steal thee —

But there is a light within, that I wish to reveal thee —

Layer by layer, I shall begin to peel thee —

Until, slowly, you begin to see the real thee —

Discarding everything unworthy —

Revealing the true essence within… luminous, and pearly —

And then we shall exit the cave… slowly, but surely!

Funny how with metaphors of enlightenment, discovering what lies beyond is synonymous to discovering what lies within —

If you want to create perfect poetry, with perfect structure imbued with perfection and truth of spirit, create that within yourself —

I am ready to leave my lamp behind, and step into the true source of light —

While the treatment of mental health becoming mainstream, and accepted, has been beneficial in many ways, I must argue that it has led to a form of laziness, and a sense of helplessness, in the collective.

Truth be told, we have taken several MAJOR steps forward. I mean, the only way things can be healed, is by taking them out of the darkness into the light, and, for the most part, we have removed the associated shame that would push people to sweep their problems under the rug, and thus, out of the light. The benefit of this cannot be understated.

However, I see an attitude that has taken hold of many of us, myself included. This attitude bars us from ever setting ourselves free from the things which ail us. It covers the fire that makes this possible with a wet blanket, and robs us of our independence and personal power.

It is perhaps another manifestation of the widespread laziness that has been a symptom of the technological advancements of the 21st century. It is the desire to feel good now. We have been conditioned to expect instant gratification in too many areas of life, and this has bled into our own personal spheres, and into the ways we deal with the demons that haunt us in our own minds.

In many cases of depression, and other mental illnesses, we are at the crux of our biggest opportunities for growth in life. Truth be told, only in our darkest moments, are we forced to use the brightest lights within us. We suffer, so that we can discover our ability to conquer.

To rob someone of this opportunity, which the opportunity to suffer and make it out on the other side alive, is to rob someone of a core part of their humanity.

It is the Hero’s Journey. We must descend into darkness, and make it out, in order to learn. We are blessed with the ability to suffer, and learn from it. Only in discomfort, do we grow. Only from this process, do we discover what makes our life worth living!

The real tragedy here, is that we have been barred the opportunity to suffer. The tragedy is not our suffering — the tragedy is what we are doing with it.

More than ever, we are running. We have become a generation of cowards. Material pleasures and distractions prevent us from looking within. There is a treasure trove that exists inside of each and every one of us. How are we going to find it by only focusing on external pleasures?

Taking medications to solve our mental health issues is just one of the many ways in which we are being denied the opportunity to grow. 

Before someone calls me out for this, it should be obvious that I’m not generalizing all medications. Medicine has been used since the dawn of time, for a purpose. It is helpful, and healing. There are situations in which medicine is the only way to make it out of the darkness alive.

However, I am specifically attacking the situations in which medicine is used in a way that denies our opportunity to grow. We strip ourselves of our own personal power in far too many situations. It becomes a tool to numb our spirits, and numb the pain, rather than heal. Pain is our call to find truth. 

Suffer. Dive into your suffering. It’s the only thing that will clarify what is real within you. As everything else dies, you will find what it is that you will truly live for.