The Musings of a Blossoming Alchemist

And if you love me as I am,

You just might break down this dam,

That tells me I’m never enough,

That I have to be tough,

That keeps the feelings stuffed,

A deadweight to which I’m cuffed —

I fear you may awaken the beast —

He’s the lock & you’re the key —

But should he really be let free?

Is that something you want to see?

The real me?

The one who bleeds?

Unwanted, unloved —

To the shadows he’s been shoved —

With the feeling of being unwanted,

Since my youth I’ve been haunted —

In my face their love was flaunted —

With chances I’ve been taunted,

But it’s always been a bait and switch —

In the end, they always ditch —

A torn heart left alone to stitch —

All this gold yet without love not rich —

In pain, everytime I breathe I flinch —

Left poor, not a penny to pinch —

Unworthy of love, not even my own —

But you know what, I like being alone —

Unlike the rest, I’m not a drone —

Empty halls of my heart I roam —

I seek the nearest tourniquet —

Stifle feelings each chance I get —

I’ll go crazy by the time I’m 40 I bet —

My greatest fear knocks at the door —

I shove it away, yet want more —

This battle between me and what they all expect —

Between me and the waters a dam I erect —

Every so often, behind it I’ve checked —

And the day comes when I’ll get wrecked —

When it’s here I’ll have nothing to protect –

No more truths with my logic to deflect —

I’ll be free of the intellect —

Anything and everything it wants to dissect —

I’ll let myself be carried by the flow —

Won’t even have an oar to row —

I might drown, but this I know:

It’ll be my heart that I chose —

But for now, the pressure must build —

Even though it might get me killed,

Of my own feelings with fear I am filled —

I fear too much I’ve already spilled.

…

…

…

I choose to let my feelings free,

I choose to let myself be free,

To myself my arms open wide,

All the times I should have cried,

No more holding back the tide.

My own end is so very nigh,

The knot will untie,

I’ll finally be able to cry.

I’ll finally be able to cry.

I’ll finally be able to cry…

I’ll finally be able to die,

I’ll finally be able to fly,

No more living a lie…

Time to live in harmony, me myself and I,

This old chest open I’ll pry,

Deep in my chest lies my prize.

I hear it thumping longing to leave.

She will finally be worn on my sleeve.

My heart will finally leap from my chest,

This bird will finally flee from the nest.

The student will finally pass his test,

With true freedom, I am obsessed.

Inside my chest lies the treasure,

Of which no mortal can measure.

And yes, while it is gold,

To no man can it be sold —

Believe now what you’re being told —

My true destiny begins to unfold —

Highlight these words in bold —

The Self is leaving the mold.

Mother Goddess tells me to just wait,

Don’t worry honey, you’ll find your mate,

But honestly, it’s getting late.

I can’t continue to masturbate!

But my heart still craves expression —

On this world they want to leave an impression —

He wants to teach them a lesson —

She wants to leave her depression —

I’ve learned the only vice to lessen the pain,

Is if I let my heart take the reign —

I know my only enemy’s my brain,

Some things you just can’t explain.

Feel what you cannot understand,

A life lived in logic is way too bland,

Mental imprisonment I cannot stand,

I give myself to the invisible hand…

Has all of this been planned?

What if the approximate evolutionary level along the “planetary order consciousness ladder” of any given species, civilization, or group of people can be seen by its approximate/average life expectancy?

E.g., agrarian societies without “modern medicine” has their average life expectancy around 29 years on average (Saturn’s orbit);

“Modernized” civilization with great advancements in technology, medicine, etc. have average life expectancy around 84 years (Uranus’s orbit, today’s world);

A spiritually awakened and conscious civilization; spiritual energy of the entire planet much more subtle and less dense, with “unity consciousness”; life expectancy jumps up to on average 165 years (Neptune’s orbit);

Unsure how to speculate about Pluto, if we even want to count Pluto. Part of me thinks this may be about fully “mastering the physical,” full Gnosis, full transformation of the deepest levels of our awareness;

Hypothetical “Planet X” holding even deeper secrets for us, an archetype existing on a level we cannot even fathom yet; so “out there” we don’t even have the context to begin to understand what it may signify for humanity; humanity may be unrecognizable if/when this planet is discovered/if it even exists.

Similarly to how ancient man might look at modern man (Uranian society) as gods due to our technological advancements of Uranian themes, us, modern man, might look at a Neptunian society as gods due to perhaps every person having, to some degree, awakened “clairs.” Uranian society communicates with each other in the blink of an eye through physical technology; perhaps Neptunian society communicates with each other in the blink of an eye through spiritual subtlety/fucking telepathy/mass-awakened organs of psychic perception — thus looking like gods to society on our current ladder of evolution and defying what we see as the “laws of physics”;

It’s simply fascinating that the life expectancy from around ancient to pre-industrial times was about 35 years of age — very near to Saturn’s orbit — whereas, with our modern post-industrial revolution and enlightenment, using the intellect to advance mankind — Uranian themes — life expectancy worldwide is now close to 70 years of age, with the nations that have the highest longevity right around Uranus’s orbit at about 85 years of age.

The longest-lived in ancient, agrarian, and/or pre-industrial societies lived to slightly past their first Saturn return; whereas the longest-lived in today’s modern, technologically-advancing, post-industrial societies live slightly past their first Uranus return.

My hypothesis would be that mankind’s next leap of evolution pertains to Neptunian themes of awakening, true unity consciousness, and spiritual advancement instead of technological advancement that grants mankind enough spiritual subtlety to live around the orbital period of Neptune. It sounds crazy, but fuck it.

Can we extrapolate meaning about Saturn — especially considering his traditional rulership of Aquarius — from the festival of Saturnalia?

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saturnalia

There’s quite a few things of interest here when one considers the significations of Aquarius, especially in light of his traditional rulership by Saturn.

An excerpt from the article:

“The ancient Roman historian Justinus credits Saturn with being a historical king of the pre-Roman inhabitants of Italy:

‘The first inhabitants of Italy were the Aborigines, whose king, Saturnus, is said to have been a man of such extraordinary justice, that no one was a slave in his reign, or had any private property, but all things were common to all, and undivided, as one estate for the use of every one; in memory of which way of life, it has been ordered that at the Saturnalia slaves should everywhere sit down with their masters at the entertainments, the rank of all being made equal.’

— Justinus”

In addition:

“Saturnalia is an ancient Roman festival and holiday in honour of the god Saturn, held on 17 December of the Julian calendar and later expanded with festivities through to 23 December. The holiday was celebrated with a sacrifice at the Temple of Saturn, in the Roman Forum, and a public banquet, followed by private gift-giving, continual partying, and a carnival atmosphere that overturned Roman social norms: gambling was permitted, and masters provided table service for their slaves as it was seen as a time of liberty for both slaves and freedmen alike. A common custom was the election of a ‘King of the Saturnalia’, who would give orders to people, which were to be followed and preside over the merrymaking. The gifts exchanged were usually gag gifts or small figurines made of wax or pottery known as sigillaria. The poet Catullus called it ‘the best of days’.”

So much of this is antithetical to what the significations of Saturn are commonly known as, such as imprisonment, suffering, and confinement. Revelry, joy, freedom, and liberation? Saturn ruling a way of life of ultimate justice and absolute equality, a Utopia? Most modern astrologers would probably be thinking: how could Saturn possibly be related to these themes? And yet, some of the key words here — particularly freedom and liberation — are actually commonly associated with Aquarius. With Aquarius being traditionally Saturn-ruled, a picture begins to form that calls into question what exactly it is that Saturn represents.

Could Saturn represent the whole imprisonment-liberation spectrum? Can he represent the promise of liberation in Aquarius, after the work of Capricorn? Does he represent the initiatory path with its promise of rich reward (especially Aquarian knowledge)?

Perhaps Saturn is the mountain. Capricorn is the grueling path up the mountain, and Aquarius the view from the top. Both aspects of Saturn, just different stages of the journey.

Perhaps Saturn is both the imposing and unforgiving sight of the mountain from its bottom, along with the treacherous and long path up — but also the joy of perspective from the mountain’s top. Perhaps Aquarius as the water-bearer is the snowy peak of the mountain melting and turning into a life-giving river for those at the bottom. The snow falls in Capricorn during the dead of winter, accumulating richly at the top; then, as winter slowly begins to pass, it melts into nourishing water for the rest of the world in Aquarius as the cup pours.

And perhaps Saturn is both the most rigid and unequal class systems with their associated miseries, but also the most equal, fair, and even truly-Utopian societies once man masters this realm. Perhaps he represents both ends of the spectrum: of classism and inequality at their most confining states, society built on the backs of those bent-over toiling the Earth as slaves — but, also, when the bonds are broken and all men are considered truly equal, the most liberated and truly free society possible for man that he may be master of his own destiny. Perhaps Saturn is both lock and key, having rulership over both locked states and free states, both Capricorn the Devil and Aquarius the Liberated.

Perhaps Saturn truly is our greatest beneficiary, with the promise of the richest rewards possible, after the Great Work (not only in our personal sphere, but in the collective one) is completed. The alchemists believed this — that there was no Gold without Saturn’s lead. Saturn, once he was learned to be loved, becomes transformed into the Sun — from the face of the Beast, to the face of the Handsome Prince, after Beauty’s liberating kiss.

A couple of nights ago, a lesser-known aspect of the Pluto archetype began to dawn on me, and I realized it also has ramifications for the Pluto return happening in the USA right now. 

The Pluto archetype struck me as having major associations with things that are condemned to the shadows, out of the public eye, due to what the shallow human psyche deems lovable or unloveable. It has to do with the very nature of taboo, which is where Pluto and Saturn’s interaction lies: it is the things that the Saturnian ego does not want to own publicly, at the risk of earning a “Scarlet letter.”

So, these things are banished, which produces Pluto’s destructive nature: anything left to fester out of the light of conscious awareness for a while builds up pressure. The destructive nature is much like a volcano. It is only destruction, however, because of the way in which we choose to deal with these taboo things.

The destructive nature is derived from the force built up from continuously pushing shit down into the shadows, until whatever was stuffed down one day blows right back up. This is Pluto’s association with catharsis, and even orgasm. It is about eruptions after a build-up of pressure and tension. Earthquakes, as well, for this reason, are associated with the Plutonian archetype, with the way that tectonic plates build pressure over long periods of time, and then release with great destructive force. 

Pluto is also about demons that are only demons because we haven’t learned how to love them. Pluto is a demon that stops being a demon when we can give it a hug. Pluto is the child who wants his mother’s love, and only becomes angry, resentful, and vindictive after being neglected by her.

Pluto has this theme of being condemned to the shadows, much like how Hades was in the coin toss with him, Poseidon, and Zeus. It has associations with the idea of receiving the short-end of the stick. Thus, it is condemned to be banished from the light of conscious awareness. 

So, how does this apply to the USA Pluto return? 

In the USA Pluto return, or the Pluto return of any nation, we see, “what has this nation been hiding?” What has been tucked under the rug and festering, until now? What is ready to explode?

At this time, during the USA Pluto return, we are seeing what’s been hiding. We are seeing, in the public eye, what has been festering, and cannot any longer. And, based on how we’ve chosen to deal with it, it comes back for a great reckoning — perhaps to destroy us. 

But, really, Pluto is about wholeness. Pluto’s destructive power comes from the inevitable union with long-forgotten parts of ourselves. The psyche and the world tend towards wholeness, so parts of the self — either the personal self or collective self — that have been divided will always come back into union, whether that process is pretty or not.

So, like a volcano, it union usually happens explosively, and it’s not always beautiful, and is actually often times very ugly — in exact proportion to how little we loved it, and how ugly we viewed it.  Pluto has this association with deep, deep, deep resentments, that are held in for an extended period of time, that one day erupt like a volcano, with enormous destructive power.

So, Pluto is, in many ways, the archetypal villain. One only need recall or watch the story of the Joker in the latest movie starring Joaquin Phoenix (what an appropriate name!) to get an idea of the picture I am trying to paint. The villain becomes the protagonist in this very special movie, telling the story from his perspective, helping us gain compassion for villains. 

We see that, often times, what creates a villain is being denied love over an extended period of time — and that is the expression of the Plutonian archetype I am trying to get at.

In this movie, the man who becomes Joker is forgotten, rejected, abused, and spit upon by his society for an extended period of time. A man so pure-hearted (at first), yet so unloved, so rejected, so tattered and condemned to the shadows, and betrayed by his own society, that, day by day, you see how the daily tragedy of his life makes him become the villain. 

And, you see that whether he is the hero or the villain is entirely subjective. To the rest of Gotham’s underbelly, to the unloved and (rightfully) vindictive masses, who are also betrayed and forgotten by a corrupt, evil, and hateful society/government, he is the hero. 

So, in that movie, we see one major expression of the Plutonian archetype. The underdog made small (dwarfed, perhaps?), that actually has incredible destructive power. Pluto is things left in the shadows, unloved, betrayed, condemned, left to rot, and FAILED by the conditional love of their society/those around them, that, one day, erupt with terribly destructive and vengeful force. 

What have we kept in the shadows? Who did we banish? When do they finally snap and erupt?

We see how it’s THAT rejection and THAT lack of love that destroys them over time, creating their destructive force. The destructive force of Pluto is those aspects of us that we destroy and corrupt over time, that eventually come back to bite us in the ass and destroy us right back. We destroy them until they come to destroy us.

So, Pluto, in a sense, is about karma. This is the Plutonian archetype of vindication and revenge: it is the way in which rejected, forgotten, and banished parts of ourselves come back for union. And it’s fucking messy.

It is the way that all we’ve done to them come back to be done to us, because we WERE doing it to ourselves the entire time. Oneness comes with certain responsibilities! This happens on both the micro and macro level — in our own psyches with repressed aspects of ourselves, and in the societal level with rejected aspects of the collective self.

You may have already guessed the very specific way in which this is happening with the USA Pluto return.

When we have a school shooter, what is it they are asking for? What is it they are telling us? I am not sympathizing with the school shooter, all I am saying is — actually, yeah, fuck it, I am sympathizing with the school shooter, in the same way that watching Phoenix’s incredible performance in the Joker allows us to understand the villain.

If we had a way to see the life story of a school shooter from their perspective, in great detail, from the very beginning, we may be able to come to a sense of sympathy, or at least slightly increased understanding, of the tragedy of their story. The acts are unforgivable, and a villain is a villain — but equally unforgivable is what and who created that villain in the first place. Who was the original villain, that bred the new one? We must ask these questions if we want to stop creating new villains.

(“As long as it’s defined in terms of good and evil, from the mosque to the cathedral, the hurt people, will hurt people.”)

Our school shooters are our modern symbol of the resurgence of the forgotten, unloved, and rejected underbelly of the US nation. In the same way that the Joker, in Phoenix’s rendition of him, was failed and left to rot by his society our school shooters are coming back with terribly vengeful and destructive force. And that is because they have been forgotten, failed, and left to rot.

It’s this forgotten, rejected, unloved, and banished part of our nation that eventually comes back to bite us in the ass. So, I believe really Pluto is about our return to wholeness, through the shadow. It’s about shadow integration, which is an ugly process.

The way that’s looking with the USA Pluto return, with our return to wholeness with those things we’ve condemned, betrayed, banished, and forgotten: that’s our school shooters. The Pluto return is about all those ugly things we’ve tucked under the rug for so long coming back to bite us in the ass. And that’s exactly what our school shooters are: those people left in the shadows who do not remain there forever. 

If we make Pluto synonymous to shadow, we can interpret this as the shadow return. The return of our shadow. The resurgence of our shadow.

Pluto is the archetypal villain, that only from a very un-integrated and misunderstanding lens, is the villain. Really, all that each villain is doing, is showing you, “This is how much love I was denied.” Whatever innocence, love, and purity within each villain we destroyed, is the very same degree to which they will come back and destroy us. 

So, the USA Pluto return, my friends, is about us seeing who we’ve forgotten, who we’ve tucked under the rug, and who we’ve failed. And we are now seeing all of that hurt erupting like a terrible volcano with incredible destructive force. The Pluto return is about shoving in our face, THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVEN’T LOVED.

And, it’s coming back whether you like it or not. It’s being put in your face whether you like it or not. And, it will destroy you, unless you can learn to love it, and integrate it.

It’s about, “this is what you’ve been hiding. Ready or not, here I come.” And, the way that you survive, really, is through unconditional love. And I don’t say that empty of meaning as it so commonly is thrown around in the New Age —  it really is about letting go of your preconceived, Saturnian notions of what we can and cannot accept, what is OK to be and what is NOT ok to be, what’s desirable what’s not; we MUST own and accept it, whether we want to or not, or it will destroy that structure to create something that will.

A great way to explain the Pluto archetype, to sum it all up, everything I have said, is that “a child not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth.” The destruction and chaos we are now experiencing is directly because those rejected by the village are coming back to demand the warmth they were denied. The forces from the shadows that come out of nowhere, and threaten our very destruction, are about whether or not we can learn to love them; and if we cannot, it will destroy us, because it is a part of us, whether we like it or not. 

It’s basically saying, this is a part of yourself that non-negotiably is here now, and cannot hide anymore. It is here. If whatever ego structure — or, in the macro level, societal structure — you’ve built, cannot integrate that, will be destroyed so a new one can be erected that will.

If whatever ego or societal structure you’ve built cannot hold and accept this force coming back from the shadows, it will be destroyed so a new one can be built that can. So that’s where the destructive power of Pluto really comes in. It’s about, “this is those raw, taboo aspects of yourself, or of society, that the Saturnian boundaries have blocked or disowned due to it being deemed unfit for the public eye, and it is now saying, ‘ready or not, here I come. I am a part of you whether you like it or not. Integrate me, or die.’” 

So, with the USA Pluto return, we are seeing the very things, the very people, that we’ve condemned to the shadows, have failed, and have been forgotten. All of our unloved youth are emerging from the underbelly and showing us just how much we’ve hurt them, just how much we’ve failed them, and just how much we’ve destroyed them.

I think all of the confusion the USA is going through really has to do with all of the things it’s hidden from itself coming into the public eye to be cleansed. It’s about all of the forgotten and unloved coming back to being integrated. For the forgotten, downtrodden, failed by the system, in plain sight saying, “Hello.” 

The only way out is to own their feelings; accept those feelings; and create a new paradigm that doesn’t cast them into the shadows like before. Pluto is about the rejects, and I don’t mean the Uranian rebel archetype/the anarchist weirdos, nor am I discussing the Neptunian mystic detached from society with great perspective and wisdom. I am talking about the Plutonian castaway, hidden in a cave, unloved, rejected, told “you’re not worthy of the light of day, nor of love; you’re ugly, you do not deserve to be cherished.”

Pluto is the Beast condemned by society as a pariah, ugly, outcast, who only stops being a Beast when Beauty comes to redeem him. Only through loving what we’ve been taught to fear does the Beast stop being destructive. Only then does he become the handsome Prince.

It’s about that reject, in the purest sense of the word, whom we’ve failed, coming back into the light of conscious awareness once again, saying,

“Did you miss me?”

This grief with which I’m stricken —

Can I face it? I’m too chicken —

No antidepressant,

Touches my crescent —

Long gone are the days of transcendence —

I am now waiting out my sentence —

What vice can make the pain lessen?

I haven’t yet learned my lesson —

On me the pain bites and gnaws —

I cannot accept this world for its flaws —

Gripped am I by its sharp claws —

Ruefully subject to its harsh laws —

On me she’s closed her jaws,

Is the revolution a lost cause?

Can my bleeding find a pause,

From any form of mortal gauze?

The liberation I thought I was sworn,

Lays in my hands, tattered and torn,

I am left too empty to even mourn —

Can I take back ever being born?

Any form of spiritual high,

Crashes down around me, it was all a lie…

Just kidding, I’m still fuckin fly.

Seeking approval of the mother

Power over me like no other

Do you love me more or brother?

So much distance, and yet you smother…

I clench my fists,

And ignore my desire to slit my wrists.

I stare at the foggy sea in wist,

I pray to be dissolved in the mist.

Every time I acted out and got a little wild,

I was begging for the warmth I needed as a child.

Every time that despite my pain, I smiled,

Allowing the hurt within to be piled…

…how long will I be condemned to love unreturned?

for a mate, my entire life I have yearned,

and my oh my, how the desire has burned,

but I guess it’s just not something I’ve earned.

And the secret to healing,

Lies in unrestrained feeling.

And you will be left reeling,

When those layers start peeling.

That one transcendent function,

Found in holy conjunction.

Union cannot be revoked,

The flame eternally stoked,

Divine truths become uncloaked,

The One finally evoked.

If you seek freedom from flocks,

And seek freedom from the box,

Embrace holy paradox —

Only then the cell unlocks.

Those opposites conspire,

Make transmutative fire,

Allowing the spirit to fly ever higher,

In the blissful union that will never tire.

Embrace that one holy Love,

And that pure heavenly dove,

To make below like Above,

Freedom without push or shove.

Hypnosis of the modern age,

All subject to fictional rage.

Imprisoned by the pocket cage,

One are politics and the theatrical stage.

Oh god, free our minds from the delusion,

Protect our headspace from the intrusion.

Is it all from some hidden collusion?

Bring our head and hearts back into fusion.

The only way for us to heal,

Is if the blindfolds we peel.

We must feel what we really feel,

God, just show us what is real.

All these phones are a curse,

I fear it’ll get worse.

We live in an illusory narration —

Am I witnessing the death of a nation?

I look at nature,

And wonder if I’m witnessing her erasure —

We truly are in danger —

Never has there been a time any stranger.

We all need to come back to the ground —

We are so lost, is it too late to be found?

Our eyes will open, and we will gasp,

When we see we’re in the devil’s grasp —

None of this can be sustained.

To our self destructive ways, we are chained.

Our eyes will open, and we will be pained,

When we see that we’re irreversibly stained.

I fear for the world, I fear for its youth —

Never has a generation been farther from the truth —

Take a look, you don’t have to be wise,

To plainly know we’re all dead in the eyes.

What is truth, what are lies?

Oh my god, can you hear my cries?

Without this blessed life selling pies,

My ship would have been doomed to capsize…